I told a friend going through a painful time not long ago my philosophy on life. Everything happens for a reason. I am not religious, but I am spiritual, and I hold onto the belief that there is an order and a reason to existence.
Events happen to us because we can bear the burden, we can shoulder it, carry it, and show it to others for whatever they might need. I have suffered spousal abuse. I carry it. I do my best to show that to others that they might never have to suffer or to escape their suffering. I went through the loss of a parent, living in poverty, homelessness, chronic illness, and so many other things which make up the experiences of my life. I carry them all.
Losing Raiyne… feels impossible to carry. What reason is there for this? How can I possibly bear this burden?
Am I just doomed to lose the people I need most? What purpose can there be in that?
A few months ago I lamented that all these trials hadn’t killed me, but they had made me stronger, and dammit I was quite strong enough already so they could just stop.
I’m not feeling so strong right now.
I feel broken and alone, like half of me has been torn away.