Burden

I told a friend going through a painful time not long ago my philosophy on life. Everything happens for a reason. I am not religious, but I am spiritual, and I hold onto the belief that there is an order and a reason to existence.

Events happen to us because we can bear the burden, we can shoulder it, carry it, and show it to others for whatever they might need. I have suffered spousal abuse. I carry it. I do my best to show that to others that they might never have to suffer or to escape their suffering. I went through the loss of a parent, living in poverty, homelessness, chronic illness, and so many other things which make up the experiences of my life. I carry them all.

Losing Raiyne… feels impossible to carry. What reason is there for this? How can I possibly bear this burden?

Am I just doomed to lose the people I need most? What purpose can there be in that?

A few months ago I lamented that all these trials hadn’t killed me, but they had made me stronger, and dammit I was quite strong enough already so they could just stop.

I’m not feeling so strong right now.

I feel broken and alone, like half of me has been torn away.

Change

The words I use may not be the words you use. We are different people. Raiyne meant something a little different to everyone. You may call them your child or your sibling, teacher or friend, you may even call them Greg or sir, but I can not use those words. They are not my words.

The words I use are simply the words I need to honor what I knew about Raiyne. If you can not communicate with me, if you wish to shut me out because of my words, then I understand. However, please realize that I do not use my words to invalidate yours. Your feelings and knowledge of Raiyne is as valid as mine, and it is what you need.

These are the words I need.

I fell in love with Raiyne in September 2014, the first time I met them. They were not calling themselves Raiyne at the time, but Greg. So if you need to tell yourself this, tell yourself I fell in love with Greg. Greg is a part of who they were, absolutely.

When they asked me to call them Raiyne, because this was the name they had chosen, I did so. They became Raiyne to me. I have to honor that request now more than ever. They asked it of me. I really could not deny them anything they asked.

Instead of using masculine pronouns, Raiyne requested gender neutral ones, they and them. Again, I had to do as they asked, and I still do.

Just because they never asked this of you, does not mean your words for them are not valid, or less than my words. Just because they never told you this part of themselves does not mean they did not love you. Trust me, they loved you.

I am sad that Raiyne never fully expressed themselves to the world in the way they wanted, but I can not hold onto regret. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. This happened for a reason. Even though it hurts so much I feel I might shake apart as it tears at my soul, this happened for some reason.

That may make you angry, or hopeless, or any of a thousand other feelings. Those feelings are valid. You can be angry, you can hurt, you can cry and scream, and so can I. We have lost something, but nothing is ever truly lost, merely changed.

Change is frightening, change can hurt, but it must happen.

It happens for a reason.

Raiyne

Raiyne died today.

I’m angry that the birds are still chirping.

It should be raining.

Everything, every little stress, every complaint, seems so meaningless now.

I trusted to put love, so much love, into another person. I was so happy with every aspect of them. I loved them without restraint, without conditions, every single part.

We had so many plans. They had plans, we had plans together. Things were getting better.

What did I do to deserve so much loss and pain in my life? So much death?

They shined. So few people truly shine.

I have to shine now, for both of us. I can’t be afraid anymore.

But right now I don’t know how I can go on without them.