The Breakthrough

So here I am.

Thirty-five years living as a female and knowing all the while that it was wrong. I am not female.

I knew this from the time I was a small child. I always wanted to grow up to be a cowboy. My first love was a girl, Lisa. She had long, curly black hair.

Quickly I was forced into dating boys to be proper. I married, I had children. I was a proper woman. But it was wrong.

The realization came to me as I shared my stories on the #YesAllWomen Twitter hashtag. My entire adult identity was a lie based on the expectations for a woman in this society.

I wrote about it briefly on my creative blog on May 27th, focusing on how it impacted my writing.

As much as my art and writing dominates my life, it is not all that I am. I required a more private place to document my experiences. And so, here is NiL.

NiL was created through a few playful exchanges on Twitter as I was debating my brand, an important thing to consider as I just self-published my first novel. Nihilim seems a bit far to go, so I am settling happily on NiL. My initials are N.L. anyway, so adding an “i” in the middle is a small matter. Thus. NiL McFarland. It pleases me.

My internet persona of Garney is still going to reign online. Garney is an amalgam of all things I creatively hold dear; a beingĀ of fire and passion, a unicorn, a creature who creates, and an homage to my mother’s birthstone. It is only my real life self who is changing, becoming NiL.

A small distinction, but one I am very pleased with.

I hope you enjoy my journey.