I have to admit, the last few months have been tough.
Compared to the rest of my life, I shouldn’t really complain. I knew going into this that transition would be a long process, I knew that. Still, I guess I expected a lot more small steps instead of a whole lot of nothing.
Despite my mass levels of procrastination, I do enjoy getting things done. Procrastinating actually just increases my anxiety until there is a point where that anxiety overwhelms my lack of energy in a burst of getting stuff done. Living with chronic pain and fatigue for so long this is just how I operate now. It isn’t the best strategy, I’m well aware, but in the end things get done.
However, with my transition, it feels like nothing is getting done. My anxiety is high, my desire is incredible, but I can’t apply that anywhere. So it wasted energy. And wasted energy for me is a huge source of depression. I have so little, to waste any is devastating.
I made my declaration, I cut my hair, I tried to bind my breasts. I was already wearing what I wear, men’s Wrangler jeans and tank tops, men’s shoes, nothing too very feminine. Except bras, those are a bit of necessity, or else back pain ensues.
I’ve wanted to speak up a great deal more than I have, be more active, write more articles, reach more people. I’ve even pulled back on social media against my will just because I don’t have the energy. It’s all being drained down into this black hole of getting nothing done in my transition.
I called around looking for doctors in my area. The soonest appointment for just a first meet and greet I could get was January. Then I realized that perhaps you have to go the psychological route first to get some sort of letter, so I called around for that. No idea how I’m going to afford anything, or get myself from here to there. No progress on that front either. Not a single appointment, not one return phone call.
As for packing or binding? No progress there either. I use a sock to pack and a weight loss sweat band to bind, but I want to take the next step. However, I can’t afford the next step.
Money, energy, wellness, time… spiral down the black hole into depression.
There is no progress. How can I climb out?